Forgiving Myself

 But if you don't forgive, neither will your Father, [Who] is in heaven forgive your trespasses. Mark 11:26 NIV Bible

Last week, I wrote about rarely forgiving myself when I've done something in the past. A friend gave me the impression that I'm not honoring the sacrifice Jesus Christ gave on the cross in order to forgive us of our sins, so that we may have Salvation.

Well, I truly believe that, and that the Lord forgives me all my sins, if I ask Him, and I have asked Him many times. The thing is, I have difficulty forgiving myself. I don't think about those things often, but I still do think of them periodically. This particular Bible verse says: But if you don't forgive, neither will your Father, [Who] is in heaven forgive your trespasses. Usually, I always take this to mean if you don't forgive others, and I think this verse is phrased that way in other books of the Bible. 

But this particular verse just says if you don't forgive, I won't be forgiven. I'm having this tug of war. Part of me thinks, I should focus on this interpretation. The other part of me thinks, that by periodically rethinking some of the things I've done, that I regret, I won't become complacent, and it gives me more of a contrite, and humble spirit, but only the Lord God knows for sure which is best. I still need to prayerfully contemplate this! The Lord will show me what I should do, but it's on His timing and not mine!

Why Don't I Forgive Myself?

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you you don't forgive others their sins, you Father won't forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15 NIV Bible 

I was talking with a friend about a couple of months ago, and during our conversation I said something about having a difficult time forgiving myself for things I've done wrong. She asked me if I knew that Jesus forgives our sins, and I told her that I know that, I just have a difficult time forgiving myself. She made an interesting comments, although I can't remember the exact words. It was something like: "Don't you realize that you are minimizing what the Lord does for us when He forgives our sins?"

Periodically, I've prayerfully pondered this, but it's still not reconciled in my mind and in my heart. Sometimes, I feel the Lord God has this Christian Overeaters Blog more for my well-being and Christian growth, than for anyone else. Sure, I may sound like I have all the answers, but I certainly don't. It is the Lord Who shows me my errors, and how I've turned to food to comfort myself, instead of turning to Him for comfort. Now, I need to turn to Him for clarity, because I still can't totally forgive myself for some things. 

I will just mention one situation of how I still beat myself up: over hurting my grandfather's feelings. I had gone to the beauty parlor to get my hair done for my 8th grade graduation, and I really didn't like what they did. I walked home from the beauty parlor thinking about how I was going to redo my hair and see if there's something I could do to fix it for the graduation that night. When I got home, my grandfather was sitting in the front room and I briefly said, "Hi," as I walked into my bedroom to work on my hair. My mother later told me about how my grandfather waited for me to get home for hours, so he could give me the portable typewriter that he had gotten me for my graduation, and he had his feeling hurt and went home. 

I was too caught up in my own issues, that it didn't even cross my mind that my grandfather was sitting in the front room waiting for me. I was too self-absorbed, and I ended up hurting his feelings. I have a difficult time forgiving myself for that. In fact, I have tears in my eyes when I write this. I know the Lord forgives me, and my grandfather probably forgave me, but I still find it difficult to forgive myself. I'm just going to have to be prayerful on this one, because I don't have the clarity yet. But sometimes you have to know there is a problem to be rectified, before turning it over into the Lord's hands. Maybe, that's it????

Teacher???

The student is not above the Teacher, nor a servant above his Master. Matthew 10:24 NIV Bible

I was a teacher for many years, of a wide variety of age groups and abilities. I seemed to find my self-worth in being a teacher. It really hit me hard when we had moved back to our previous stated, and found out that it wasn't very easy for me to obtain a teaching job. When we had talked about moving back to that previous state, I thought, "No, big deal! It should be easy for me to find another teaching job!" Boy, was I ever wrong!

There was an economic crisis, and they were weren't hiring many, if any teachers in the school districts were we lived. What I thought would be an easy process, turned out to take two years before I got a full-time teaching job! The time I spent waiting for the full-time teaching job, was some of the most productive, soul-searching time, I ever had! The Lord God knew that I had attached my self-worth to being a teacher. Over that two year period, I ended up planning curriculum for a preschool, volunteering in schools, taking a part-time teaching position for an aide, and editing the book the Lord had previously led me to write. 

It took until I was at the point that I felt that who I am, wasn't dependent on my teaching career, and I started realizing that what I did in the future was in the Lord God's hands. I had to get to the point, that knowing that the Lord was in charge, was more important than whatever career I might have, if any! When being a teacher, didn't matter to me anymore, that's when the Lord allowed me to have a full-time teaching job. But this time, it wasn't so important, in that, I realized that my viewing myself as something special as a teacher, was arrogant. I needed to be a teacher with a humble heart, which is something the Lord worked to change within me, and He continues to do!