Doing this blog is much more therapeutic than I thought. My original blog post has kept my mind thinking of so many more issues that I need to talk about that have affected my eating and self-perception.
I talked in the last blog post about wanting people to think I'm capable, someone who thinks outside the box, etc. When I thought about it more, I realized that I am trying to hide behind these attributes, trying to get people to like me. Why? I think it's because I don't think they will really care about me, so I feel I have to be this really dependable, best friend ever, most responsible employee, etc. so that people are so impressed with these qualities, they overlook my shortcomings, especially the part of me that feels that I am unlovable. The part of me that felt fat even when I was thin, and feels even worse, because some of the weight has come back after all these years.
The thing is, most of all my eating problems stemmed not as much from my eating habits as from not feeling worthy of other people's friendship, love, and respect. As I write this, I realize that I was afraid that other people wouldn't love me, because I was overweight, but more than that, I don't think I loved myself, because I was overweight.
What healed me before was when I turned all this pain, insecurities, and insight over to God, who loves me dearly, regardless of whether I'm fat, thin, gaining weight back or otherwise. He loves me even when I don't love myself. So, it's important in this struggle for self, along with the goal of being at a healthy weight and maintaining it, I need to stay focused on Jesus, my Savior who saves me from the world, myself, and all my insecurities. Debbie Matthew 18:11 For the Son of man is come to save that was lost.
Since I have used this Bible passage as an example of how God has positively influenced my overeating, this does not necessarily reflect the whole meaning of the verse.
