I'm a Control Freak, Having a Difficult Time Admitting It

 Do you know how God controls the clouds and makes His lightning flash? Job 37:15 NIV Bible

I don't feel like a Control Freak, but when I look at the evidence the Lord God shows me, I very reluctantly admit it. This, in and of itself, is some of the evidence, since I drag my feet about admitting that I like to be in control of situations in my life! A big portion of my life, I frequently prayed, God help me loose all my excess weight. Help me become thin, help me be the person You want me to be, help me eat less, help me have more friends, help me be more respected, help me have better self-esteem, and the list goes on, and on, and on! It wasn't until one day when I was giving up on ever losing my excess weight I'd carried for most of my life, I prayed to the Lord God. 

I said, "Dear God, I give up on ever being thin. I've tried and tried and tried, but I only loose a little weight and gain even more back than I started with. If You ever want me to be thin, You'll have to do it, because I can't!" The irony is, that very same day, the Lord God made a dramatic change in my life. When I prayed my "I give up" prayer, I didn't expect God to do anything. I was just giving Him notice that I was giving up on ever trying to be thin. But, in hindsight, I've found out that's the first time, I ever turned over control into the Lord God's very capable hands! 

That same day, I no longer craved sweets, which had become an addiction to me, nor did I want plate after plate of food. He also showed me that food had become a false god to me. I was turning to food to comfort me in times of stress, joy, worry, boredom,  rather than turning these over to Christ. Once I started doing that instead of turning to food, that worked a wedge between me and my faith in Christ, my whole live changed. He allowed the loss of over 80 pounds and has allowed the vast majority of it to stay off over 30 years. I had never realized all those previous years that my being a Control Freak, was what was keeping me from having a closer relationship with the Lord, having better self-esteem, and friendships. He can do the same thing for you, too, if you truly let Him do that!

Not My Plans, but God's Plans

 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to [benefit] you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 NIV Bible

Boy do I ever make plans. The thing is, I get so busy making plans of what I want to do or say, I don't always listen to the plans the Lord God has for me. In fact, I get so busy making elaborate plans, I can't even hear it sometimes, when the Lord has something on my heart that's significant for me to listen to! It's kind of like I'm a little kid with her fingers stuck in her ears, trying to block out what someone else is telling them, because they don't want to do anything, but what they want to do. Actually, this blog post is a very eye-opening one for me, because that's exactly what I do, but I don't really realize it, at the time! 

Fortunately for me, the good Lord doesn't give up on me easily and most often brings me back to the point, to where I can hear what He was telling me. Unfortunately, sometimes that's after the fact, when I'm realizing in hindsight what the Lord was trying to warn me about. 

An example would be, when I skipping lunch and the Lord knows I'm hypoglycemic and get shaky or edgy when I missing a meal or not eating during my normal time. I virtually say by my actions, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm busy right now on a project, and I will listen to You, Lord when I'm finished with it." When I get cranky with others or impatient with my project not turning out the way I want, He reminds me that if I had eaten when I was supposed to, I would have had more energy to continue my project and I wouldn't have been cranky with others. Knowing this, do I always do that? Well, to be honest, I do it more often than I used to, but recently I fell into old eating habits that might not have happened if I had eaten when I should have. I am so blessed to have the Lord God in my corner, who doesn't give up on me when I backslide!

I Was Waiting for the Wrong Things!

 Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14 NIV Bible

It seems that before the Lord God performed the miracle in my life that allowed an 80+ pound weight loss, and for the vast majority of it to stay off for over 30 years, I was always waiting for one thing or another. I think I was mainly waiting until I felt better about myself.

I was waiting to when I was thinner. Then, I would feel better about myself. I was waiting for people who appreciated me for who I am. Then, I would feel better about myself. I was waiting until I was a smaller size, so I could wear more fashionable clothes, instead of the stretch pants that had the elastic completely stretched out, because I was horrified to buy the next larger size. If I was thinner and had those more fashionable clothes, and people who appreciated me, then, I would feel better about myself. The list of things I was waiting for, is much longer than this, but I wouldn't have time to tell you what was really worth waiting for, if I make an extensive list of things.

After, the Lord God allowed that miraculous weight loss, I didn't initially feel better about myself. Sure, I could wear more fashionable clothes, and some people respected me and my opinion more, but there was still something lacking in those initial goals. It's what Christ showed me along the way, through the weight loss process. He showed me that when I was worried, stressed, over tired, insecure, happy, or sad, I turned to food to comfort me. I had made food a false god, because I turned to it for comfort, instead of turning these issues over into the very capable hands of my Lord and Savior. Once, I started to do this, I started feeling better about myself, long before I lost all the weight, before I got more fashionable clothes, or had people who appreciated me for who I am. For the Lord God loved me just as I am, fat or thin, flaws and all. Once I realized this and stopped turning to food to comfort me and turned to Christ, those other things didn't matter any more, and Christ gave me the comfort I longed for!